Monday, June 18, 2012

DEAR STUPID PROVO DRIVER (43)

Editor's note: Although "dear stupid Provo driver" has in the past been one of the more beloved segments of this blog, it has been suspended for the last few months due to the blog author's having moved to Salt Lake City.  Although stupid drivers abound in Salt Lake, just as they do in Provo, the busninja was unsure whether to start writing letters to "dear stupid Salt Lake driver," or whether the letters should continue the original numbering, or start over; and so the letters, as well as the occasions that inspired them, lay fallow in his brain for an until recently indeterminate time.  However, this morning, an incident occurred that was simply too stupid not to complain about, and a unilateral decision was made to reinstate "dear stupid Provo driver," even though the incident in question occurred within Salt Lake County.  The use of the word "Provo" was retained due to the busninja's respectable distaste for that city, and in light of the fact that it cannot be proven that the stupid driver in question, or any stupid driver, is not from Provo from a streetside sighting alone.  We hope you enjoy the return of the busninja's signature snarky letters to stupid drivers everywhere.

Dear stupid Provo driver:

In this country we drive on the right.  Going both directions.  That means that cars that are going the opposite direction from you look to you as though they were on the left side of the street.  If you're having trouble with right and left, let me suggest that you go back to elementary school for a few days.  And I'd definitely suggest you give up your driver's license for an indefinite period of time.

It is true that in some places, when you want to turn left, there is a turning lane in the middle of the road.  You get a few consolation points for remembering, unlike other stupid Provo drivers, that a two-way left-turn lane is not a lane of traffic.  But by the same token, neither is a lane of traffic a two-way left-turn lane.  When there is not a two-way left-turn lane, you cannot pull into the opposite lane to execute your left turn.  Well, I guess you can, as you obviously proved this morning, but I'd advise against it.  If you're not sure why, see the suggestion at the end of the previous paragraph.

This would have been bad enough had no other cars been on the road at the same time as you.  Unfortunately for him or her, someone else happened to be going the opposite way from you as you moved into their lane to turn left.  They had to slam on their brakes to avoid running head-on into you, this sudden car appearing right in their path even though they were doing nothing wrong.  While this caused me no end of amusement on my way to the bus stop this morning, it probably traumatized this innocent law-abiding driver to no end.  How could you do that to them?

In closing, may I add that, however stupidly you turn left, you should also USE YOUR BLINKER.  That is, if you ever drive again.  Which I'd recommend against.

Regards,
BUSNINJA

2 comments:

  1. Bahaha. "use of the word "Provo" was retained due to the busninja's respectable distaste for that city, and in light of the fact that it cannot be proven that the stupid driver in question, or any stupid driver, is not from Provo..."

    You make me so happy. Let me also point out that stupid drivers in Salt Lake are often idiots because they are most likely either driving illegally (I'm not insinuating race here, let's be clear, just someone without a license) or driving under the influence of something that is probably significantly more fun than alcohol. This is not the experience I've had with Provo/Orem drivers who, in any case, appear to drive poorly because they drive poorly. Oh, Porem.

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  2. I've always said, "Mormons don't need alcohol." But I was talking about being social at parties. It never occurred to me that it could also apply to driving . . .

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