Monday, June 10, 2013

DEAR STUPID PROVO DRIVER (56)

Dear stupid Provo driver:

For some reason you and your ilk think it is okay to double-park on the streets south of BYU while you run inside and talk to someone, or drop off some cookies in the hope that the recipient will be matrimonially disposed, or any of the other reasons you rationalize this behavior.  While you may feel that these are valid reasons to park in the middle of the road, please know that your behavior inconveniences a lot of people, as well as the 830, which I sometimes ride; if you do this frequently, consider yourself politely advised to seek an alternate method of transportation, such as the bus, or even actually getting off your lug and WALKING three blocks to Mr./Ms. Marriage Material's house.

Double-parking on 4th East in Provo is bad enough, but then do you have to take your traffic-illiterate ways all the way to downtown Salt Lake City and

DOUBLE PARK ON MAIN STREET AT CITY CREEK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!1

City Creek has thousands of cheap parking spaces below ground!  City Creek has two TRAX lines and the 2, 3, 6, 11, 200, 205, 209, 220, 307, 320, 451, 453, 454, 455, 460, 461, 462, 463, 470, 471, 472, 473, 500, and 516 that stop within a block of it!  City Creek only has, like 3 parking spots on Main Street!  City Creek has an active light rail line within spitting distance of those parking spots!  And you just had to stop right in the middle of the street?

You would think that a car coming up behind you and honking its brains out would have tipped you off to the fact that what you were doing wasn't kosher with everyone else.  You would think that the cars behind you swerving onto the train line to get around you would be an indication that all was not well in Zion, nor in your head (mind you, it was stupid of them to drive onto the tracks when they shouldn't; but the whole situation could have been avoided if you hadn't been stupid first).

No, after cars had honked, driven around you, and left you behind, after a train had come by, only after you had ample opportunity to prove your incomprehension of the flow of traffic in downtown Salt Lake; only then did you calmly pull away, as though nothing were wrong.  Don't be surprised if, the next time you pull a stunt like this, you hear a voice behind you singing:

YOU'VE FAILED THE TEST OF YOUR LIFE
YOU'VE FAILED THE TEST OF YOUR LIFE

Regards,
BUSNINJA 

2 comments:

  1. I need context. What tune would those words be set to when I hear the voice singing them?

    BTW, I never drive downtown. It kind of defeats the purpose of downtown, and with so many (enumerated) options for transit, seems quite silly. So the voice would not be singing those words TO me.

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    Replies
    1. The tune is very easy to learn; I'll sing it for you sometime.

      Also, since you would never drive downtown, let alone double park downtown, I'm sure these words will never ever be sung to you.

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