Monday, January 13, 2014

FEARLESS PREDICTIONS FOR 2014

Here we go again . . .

ONE.  With the FrontLines 2015 program, along with whatever that streetcar is called, all constructed and in service, UTA turns its attention to its much-neglected bus service.  Riding on the smashing success of the 217 in early 2014 (not a prediction; fact), UTA brings back the 207, 236, 327, 348, 356, and (the biggest surprise of all) 203, as well as the 84 and the 85 (despite the fact that the 84 and the 85 are still around as the 54 and the 72, respectively) and the 813 (despite the fact that this route has not existed since 2000), as well as increasing the service on all of its 15-minute routes to every five minutes.  Local news media report the story as:

UTA REJECTS PLAN TO RUN THE BUS EVERY 4 MINUTES

TWO.  Undaunted by negative media coverage, UTA continues to ambitiously expand its bus service, as well as broker a Mideast peace deal, solve world hunger, and develop a serum that cures most known cancers.  This last development is announced at a press conference on the shore of the Great Salt Lake, at which members of the press are startled to see UTA management walking atop the water toward them.  All surprise aside, headlines the next day read

MIKE ALLEGRA CAN'T SWIM*

THREE.  At some point, the Salt Lake Resident pass comes out, and Salt Lakers sign up in droves.  And why not?  A cheap transit pass, no parking hassle downtown, cleaner air, the opportunity to read or check Facebook on the way home from work instead of watching the tail lights in front of you up and down 200 South.  The only downside, really, is that Salt Lake residents who board buses like the 205 or 509 are met with a busful of South Salt Lakers, Millcreekers, and West Valleyers all giving them the stinkeye because they don't get a resident pass.


FOUR.  After receiving a particularly nasty phone call from an angry customer who was mad the train didn't show up after three minutes, UTA develops a new ad campaign called


While a PR flop, the campaign reportedly "makes the Customer Service staff feel much better."

FIVE.  In August, with little preamble, the Black Line opens.  Local residents and tourists alike are pleasantly surprised by this development, as well as by the fact that the new line runs 24 hours a day and features light refreshments and soothing background music.  It quickly becomes the most popular rail line in the UTA system.  Until one fateful day, when Little Miss Matter of Fact's voice on a particularly crowded train on the way to Comic Con gets stuck in the middle of a station announcement, endlessly repeating

NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT NEXT

Passengers begin to look up in bewilderment at Little Miss Matter of Fact's inability to continue in sentence, as the voice gradually changes to

EX EX EX EX EX EX EX EX EX EX

Bewilderment gives way to unmitigated horror on the faces of many Comic Conners as the voice becomes more and more gravelly and finally gets around to saying

EXTERMINATE
EXTERMINATE
EXTERMINATE


**
 


It turns out that the Black Line is just another attempt by the Daleks to take over the Earth

wikia

and humanity can do nothing but watch as the planet is devastated.  All is lost.

But wait . . . into the smoldering remains of the Provo FrontRunner Station rolls the 836, a bit dented; but the driver is unharmed inside.  He steps out of the bus and contemplates the grim scene before him, still unaware that he is humanity's only survivor***, its only hope . . .



Because even the Daleks forgot about the 836.

Happy New Year!


* It's an old joke.  But I stand by it.
** I realize some of these pictures are not in context.  You try googling "Jack Harkness."
*** There were no passengers.

4 comments:

  1. Eric, I didn't know you liked Dr. Who. I knew there was a reason we were friends. How have you been?

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    1. I'm afraid I'm rather late to the party . . . I didn't start watching Dr. Who until last year (maybe two years? Impossible Astronaut. Then.), but I like to think I have made up for it since then. How I have been could probably be best summed up in three words: baby, baby, baby. They suck the life out of you, but they sure are cute. How's life with you?

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  2. The black line will be great if true. Now if only we could go back to passing in Farmington instead of Centreville on Frontrunner.

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    1. I wish it would, too . . . hopefully at some point before the Earth gets destroyed :)

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